POLITICS: I'm Running For President!
Vote Til Fanny for President on the Crackpot Party ticket! WOO HOO!
On the introduction page for the political section of TannyTalk I promised to transcend the pathetic fantasy superiority ambitions of both the Democratic and Republican parties, each of whom are desperately trying to be superior to _only half_ of the American public. What losers!
I informed you with great imaginary authority that my fantasy superiority political agenda is way more ambitious, ridiculous and blatantly self serving than that of all the other political parties because I am superior to EVERYBODY.
And so, to prove this arrogant nonsense beyond any doubt, today I, political genius Til Fanny, hereby announce my candidacy for President of the United States on the Crackpot Party ticket.
So that you can imagine some delusional old geezer hippy who isn’t really that funny as President I snuck in to the White House yesterday afternoon while Biden was napping and had this photo of me taken by Monica Lewinsky, who is still secretly on staff in the West Wing. I figured that if I’m going to be President, I’ll need some scandals, and she has experience in that area. My first cabinet pick!
Vote Til Fanny For President
Now, because you’re a highly intelligent, discerning, well educated responsible citizen who takes your vote seriously, you’re not going to vote for me just because I look incredibly handsome in that suit which I borrowed from the Orange Troll. No, no, no, and no, that’s not going to work. You want to hear the Crackpot Party governing philosophy first. And then you’ll puke. Ok, excellent, so let’s get down to business.
The Crackpot Party Philosophy
A key principle of the Crackpot Party governing philosophy can be expressed as follows…
PRINCIPLE #1: If the ideas that are considered reasonable by the group consensus could solve the nation’s problems, those problems would already be solved.
A breakthrough insight of the Crackpot Party is that the most promising area of investigation in pursuing the nation’s interest can be found in that set of ideas which we have discarded, because we generally assume them to be untrue, false, unworkable, unrealistic, ridiculous, and well, crackpot. After all, if normal ideas always worked, we wouldn’t have any problems, right? As a wannabe President I’ll share a specific example of such an “outside the group consensus” Crackpot Party platform proposal in my next speech to the nation, the text of which will be available soon on TannyTalk.
Another important principle of the Crackpot Party governing philosophy goes like this:
PRINCIPLE #2: Sometimes those ideas considered normal, sane and reasonable by the group consensus can be dangerously wrong.
Most of the time a “go with the flow” assumption that the group consensus on a particular subject is sensible works just fine. When the group consensus claims that wearing our underwear on our heads won’t fix climate change, they have a pretty good point actually. But you know, as crackpots we should probably still wear our underwear that way just to cover all the bases, play it safe, and maintain our brand integrity.
However, an important problem arises when it turns out we’ve joined a group consensus that is actually wrong. Yep, all of us can sometimes be wrong, very wrong, dangerously wrong. All of us together can be wrong too. Here are two quick examples…
Tailgating On The Highway - The next time you’re on the Interstate or any busy road, take note of how many people are tailgating at 70mph. What is tailgating?
The act of risking everything in exchange for nothing. It makes no sense at all, but almost everybody does it, so this irrational act is completely normal, and thus some part of our brain often assumes that therefore tailgating must be an appropriate way to drive. We follow the herd, sometimes off a cliff.
Ignoring Nuclear Weapons - As you know, nuclear weapons can destroy everything we care about without warning in just minutes. And yet, we rarely discuss this ever present threat, even in presidential campaigns when we are selecting a single person to have sole authority over our nation’s nuclear arsenal.
Point being, there are occasions when blindly following the group consensus can be a very dangerous way to go about our lives.
The Crackpot Party, an emerging nationwide political movement consisting of the single individual writing this post, two armadillos, a penguin, and the neighbor’s dog, not only wish to 1) explore those ideas assumed to be wrong by the group consensus to see if these discarded ideas can be put to productive use, we are also committed to 2) the systematic destruction of group consensus ideas which are in fact wrong, very wrong.
And now, the third pillar of the Crackpot Party governing philosophy….
PRINCIPLE #3: In the crazy cartoon circus of American politics we all often tend to take ourselves way, Way, WAY too seriously, which makes us look like children.
And so the Crackpot Party asks, “Why not just go ahead and act like REAL children so as to be intellectually honest?” And so, dear reader, as you can clearly see in the abundant evidence provided right here in Crackpot Party platform documents, we are the most intellectually honest party on the American political scene today.
Crackpots Are Heroes!
As a responsible citizen with a sincere desire to see America prosper, you don’t want just another highly educated professional person with decades of high level governing experience to be your President. We tried that already, right?
No, what the American people want, and what they deserve, is a hero. The nation is yearning for a crackpot leader who has courageously challenged group consensus assumptions all over the Internet. They want a fearless nerdy typoholic blowhard who has been banned from every third website on the Internet, lived to tell about it, and keeps right on coming through the barrage of snotty rhetorical bullets. What the nation desperately cries out for in this most challenging moment in our nation’s history is a Master Of Inconvenience.
And so my fellow Americans I not so humbly submit to you my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States on the Crackpot Party ticket.
I ask you friends, in all sincerity, isn’t it about time that we had a national leader who thinks he’s almost as cool as Keith Richards?
POSTSCRIPT: Not joking now, this is a true story.
While I was spending 45 minutes putting the finishing touches on this post, which I confidently assumed to be the most intelligent article ever shared on Substack, I was also multi-tasking. That’s right folks, not only was I writing this amazing article I was also, at the very same time, absentmindedly running a faucet in to a pot on our kitchen counter.
Can you guess what happened? Oh, c’mon, go ahead and guess.
Yep, that’s right, you got it, I created both this article _AND_ the inch deep Lake Kitchen.
I promised you crackpot leadership, and damn if I didn’t do just that. Isn’t it great that there’s finally an American political party which actually delivers on it’s promises?
So, if your kitchen is suffering from a climate change induced drought, just contact my administration’s new Department Of Moronic Floods, and we’ll take care of you right away.
interesting read! Nice work.