Musings

How do you find happiness?

I don’t know but I would love to know………..

By the time you reach this line you would have formed an opinion already and I couldn’t have asked a more stupid question, considering the answer is obvious. So why don’t those who know give me the answer?

Some people will get philosophical and tell me its “all out there, all you have to do is see it in a positive light….” Others will say that it’s “all in the mind”; some might say “you have it all yet you are not satisfied” and so on and so forth.

Each one of us will have different opinions and that’s bound to happen because each one of us is unique! We see the same thing in a different way which gives us different perspectives and opinions. But one needs to respect the other’s view and not criticize and condemn something just because they don’t agree with it.

I am not trying to be philosophical or preachy here, but I think people can live better without being judgmental.

Past few days my mind has been abuzz with too many thoughts, either there is too much happening in my life or the lack of it and the worst part is that I haven’t been able to find peace any where except just one area of my life, my work. I actually dread going home because those thoughts which I keep at bay while I am at work just attack me the moment I step into the house. They are dark, cold, haunting and taunting thoughts which disturb me and I am pretty much going insane. I know wise people say that we need to look at people who are living in worse conditions for us to realize that our problems are smaller compared to theirs. But the human being that I am, most times I fail to do so, because I have seen myself struggling for the past 7 odd years with very few moments of respite. I am not scared of the struggle and hard work, but what I am scared of is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now it feels like I am running through a never ending tunnel, desperately searching for the light which is elusive. I can’t relax the kind of person I am, if I want something I want it bad and right away and right now I want companionship. I want my soul mate, when will he come? When I am old? Then what is the idea behind spending our lives together? I miss someone in my life truly, madly, deeply. It’s been more than 2 years since I have enjoyed the sense of belonging. I am at such a stage now that I don’t sense belongingness any where neither friends nor family or for that matter any other social circle. I have been through rough phases of my life such phases might have just broken any other girl down but I have hung on and still fighting it out. I just wish that at the end of the day I had someone to go back to and share my woes with, who would reassure me that everything is going to be alright!

I miss my mother a lot but when I dial her number to talk to her I find it hard to connect with her. I literally forced my brother to come back even though he wanted to stay with my parents because I hated to be alone. I have pretty much cut myself from all my friends because I find it hard to fit it. But on the other hand just a text from an unknown number appreciating me and my writings makes me happy though the person wasn’t ready to reveal himself. What is happening to me? Am I going psycho? Am I losing my mind?

I look forward to the day when I will complete my book because nowadays more then reality I live in a world of imagination which gives me immense happiness.

There are too many worries in the real world, brother’s job, my marriage and so on but you know what troubles me most? The inability to connect with anyone and off late it’s become incessant, I dread of ending up alone in this big bad world!

The Horror

Hey Amit this ones for you!

When my father got transferred to Guwahati, I was in the 5th standard. My sister and I used to study in one of the best schools in Shillong for girls, Pine Mount School. I studied there from kindergarten till the 4th standard. When the shift happened, daddy got our admissions done in a co-ed school and hell broke loose for me.

I knew that boys were very naughty but this breed of boys was something else, they literally pushed it to the next level. Now I don’t blame the teachers for being rude but that time I never understood what made them behave the way they did with us. There were three sections for each standard and in all of them the population of boys dominated the girls. Having studied in a girl’s school till then and having been hanging around with like minded people, my mind was somehow tuned to that of a convent girl and I wore the same attitude. The males that I had to interact with were my cousins, uncles and of course daddy and brother, the rest of the male species was pretty much alien to me.

So the first shock I had when I joined South Point was the rowdy boys and the second one was that no one there spoke in English though it was supposed to be one of the best English medium schools in town! I nearly fainted and had the same feeling as my first day at school; all I wanted to do was get back home to mommy! There was absolutely no discipline, there were students from different sections of society speaking different languages ranging from Assamese to Bengali to Hindi but no one spoke that one language, English. It was total chaos and felt like a fish market. Even the teachers spoke to me either in Bengali or Assamese and when I replied to them in English they would just stop talking to me. Thankfully apart from Bengali and Hindi the rest of the subjects were in English so I somehow survived, but at the end of each day I used to cry and request mommy to change my school.

Then one day I met this girl who has been my best pal for 19 years now, her name is Amrita and things changed since then. I started finding happiness at school, the language didn’t seem to bother me any more, I started looking forward to going to school and everything seemed right. Well not quite, like they say all good things come to an end. It so happened that Amrita and I started sitting together and we became chatter boxes. Now I need to tell you about the unique punishing system that this school had, if the teacher found a guy who talked too much in class or was too naughty, he would be made to sit in between the girls and vice versa. So you know when I said that Amrita and I became chatter boxes, what exactly happened! There was this teacher who taught us science; I used to absolutely abhor her. One fine day she proved that she was fit for my displeasure, she made Amrita and me to sit amongst the boys and if that wasn’t enough she also made a guy or two to sit in between us. Boy, I tell you how much I hated that!

The first few days went with me sulking as I wouldn’t talk to anyone except for Amrita, I just hated the boys. But slowly again, thanks to Amrita the ice started melting and we became good friends. Here I need to mention Amit who sat in between me and Amrita. He felt so sad for us that he let Amrita and me sit together and moved away to the other side and we decided to tie a ‘rakhi’ since he was so sweet to us. Though we survived in other classes when it was time for science, we were unceremoniously asked to get back to our original positions amongst the guys. But life went on smoothly after that as Amit was there for Amrita and I, I want to thank you for making it easier for us to survive then.

The Romance City

At the end of the tunnel I see no light, as I stay awake to see the end of night;
What have I not done right that everything seems to end up in a fight?
Just when I think I am too uptight, I feel the shadows burning up bright;
And I finally decide to take a flight but like always you bring me down with a fright!

That day, as I sat in the air conditioned Food Plaza at Howrah station; my eyes witnessed many love stories unfolding. If half an hour delay of the flight early morning wasn’t enough to deal with, the train was a good four hours late, which we (bro and I) got to know only after reaching the station. As per my brother’s suggestion we decided to wait it out at the Food Plaza in order to beat the heat and I must admit what a good idea it was.

After satisfying my hunger pangs, I started doing what I do best, observing people! That’s when I noticed one thing which I had forgotten about Kolkata, the romance. Maybe we can call it the City of Romance now, if not the City of Joy or actually the state of West Bengal as a whole, is definitely romantic if not anything else. People grow up to love there, whether you are learning the right things at school or college doesn’t matter at the end of the day, everyone will learn how to love. And they live it up at the streets, the parks, the trams, the local trains, the hand pulled rickshaws, the roadside puchka walas and not to mention the restaurants.

The Food Plaza is an easy choice to make when it comes to dating; it’s easy to get to any place from there since the Howrah Station is well connected. What will surprise you, is the genre of people who come there to date. Forget college kids, there are matured working people who can be seen romancing with full abandonment and even what seemed to me as a married woman cheating on her husband. Yes adultery seems to exist even in middle class Bengali families.

A very shy college girl was seen feeding her paramour in a very sly way and due to lack of places for intimacy, under the table provided the perfect place for their first brush with closeness. Both wore a very shy look and exchanged glances with each other very quickly. The art of romancing in the most public of places needs to be learnt from them. Just then a very mature looking couple walked in, the first impression was that they were married and then I looked again. The woman wore a sari and a very big bindi, typical of bongs which led me to the misconception. In this case the man was more interested in feeding the woman while the woman was busy giving him gyaan. Their kind of romance actually reminded me of the old Hindi films when the sexual tension was a little difficult to handle and the way to handle was very unique. If the teasing with the foot was one then just playing with the eyes was another great way, if that wasn’t enough just to put his hand on her back was enough. The flames it ignited seemed unbearable on her part, but our woman had great control.

There was a very odd couple sitting right opposite them, they looked married; well yes I know I assumed the earlier one was married too, but this woman had ‘sindur’ in her ‘maang’ and was wearing ‘shanka’ and ‘pola’ so I have proof this time. Why I said the couple was odd because the man was way smaller than the woman. She was a well built perfectly round woman and he was a typical short bong guy wearing Bata Sandak chappals. I can still remember the way he was trying to put his arm around her and she was feeling shy. Initially I had thought they were husband and wife but this display of intimacy too struck me as odd, why would a married couple come to a Food Plaza at Howrah station to romance? This was definitely a case of adultery, I pity the poor husband.

There were other participants too, of course, in my observation programme but these were the ones who stood out and I thought it would be great to share their attempt at romancing with you. My parents are staying now in a small town called Alipurduar in West Bengal where romance starts at tuition classes leading young girls and boys to get married at a very early stage, for them career doesn’t matter. Life is all about love here, makes me wonder sometimes if this is what has kept the state stagnant as a whole?

The Student In Me

I dedicate this note to a very good friend of mine and an avid reader Monisha Dewan, its her birthday today so people wish her!

I didn’t lack intelligence but I was never a sincere student in school, for that matter throughout my life.

I never strived to work hard to study, there were the best and the worst of them on either side, who would balance them? That’s when students like me used to step in, though I don’t know if a second one like me existed. In fact I never liked it if my report card didn’t have a red mark in it, which as you all know signifies FAILURE. There was this one time, while having a conversation with a friend of mine in the 8th standard I said, “The report card pretty much looks like a widow if I don’t have a red mark on it.” She burst out laughing and found it funny enough to share with others who thought I was pretty whacked out. Well it never bothered me much because I was always that way; it came naturally to me to think ‘zara hatke.’ Many a time I got whacked by my father for falling asleep while studying, my private tutor refused to teach me because I used to doze off while he was teaching us math. So you can deduce that math was never my favourite subject. I would like to share with you that from 7th standard till the half yearly examination of 10th standard I never passed in math.

Till 8th standard I never thought that I needed a private tutor, why waste money? I wouldn’t study anyways. My father got worried whether I would survive through school so he hired a math genius to teach me and my sister at home. Yes it was the same person who refused to teach me for my dozing off problem, but I wasn’t dithered. While my contemporaries were busy studying I would be woken up early morning by my father only to put my head down on my books and escape to dreamland. While they were preparing to beat each other in the examinations I was busy building castles in the air. No one thought I was competition and that suited me pretty fine. I used to compete with myself, if today I was a fashion designer in my dreams tomorrow I would be acting with Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol in a blockbuster. I used to wait till exams were 2 weeks away to study but then when I used to sit with my books I used to think its still a long way so why not dream some more? When D-day would arrive, my mother used to send me to school thinking that I was going to change the world, little did she know that my brain was a void space, only I knew how I went in, survived the three hours and came out of the exam hall. At a certain point of time, my parents were pretty convinced that I was a waste and were worried how I will survive without any qualifications.

Somehow when I reached 10th standard I felt sad for my father and decided I should do something, hence I got myself a private tutor, a person whom my sister used to refer to as the ‘Tiktiki’ (In Bong it means lizard). Well he was perhaps one of the best things that happened to me, thanks to his method of teaching I realised that I had brains enough to solve those sums which were referred to aptly as PROBLEMS. Since then there was no looking back! I passed my 10th board exams with distinction, one down! Once I reached 11th standard overconfident with my performance in 10th I again took it easy and never bothered studying. After 12th father thought it was a good idea to send me packing to Bangalore to pursue my degree, I started crying the moment I came to know that I had to study 8 papers in the course father selected for me. So I opted out for an easier course so that I could sleep some more and sleep I did. Where people used to study hard as they were away from home I studied hardly, in fact in my final year I used to study for just 3 hours the night before every exam and since the exams used to start at 2pm I used to make sure I get enough sleep before that. Oh and I am a first class graduate.

After degree I tried pursuing Masters but had three unsuccessful attempts, now after all these years I am looking forward to becoming a student again. Just wonder what my chances are now!

The Community

Bacchus is perhaps the only place in town which has Drum and Bass night every week and one needs to witness the music and mayhem which exists on Wednesday nights to believe it. There are a group of loyal followers who head there mid week without even considering alternative options. But this is not the reason why I am sharing this particular piece with you; this piece is about The Community.

A lot of communities exist, of course, and we are aware of them, each community always has something unique about them. I am sure you might have watched Hollywood movies which sometimes portray a community which follows a cult maybe sometimes a dark art. Well, when I identified The Community mentioned here, I did not really think about those movies but now I do. However, this Community is not dark. I just like the connect as it adds a little mystery.

Just after the last track is played and everyone heads out exchanging pleasantries with friends and acquaintances from the evening, The Community heads outside and gathers at the stairs or around the parking area. In their state of alcohol induced sub-consciousness, the conversations that flow is amazingly humorous and interesting at the same time though at countless number of times I have also witnessed some nonsensical batter. This is where numerous break ups, hook ups and patch ups happen. One night I was a witness to friend hooking up with his Italian girlfriend!

But essentially what The Community does is huddle right after the party to decide their next POA and most of the times they are split into groups, each of the groups might also have their own agendas. One small groups gets busy with their post-party rejuvenation in some herbs and others just let their lungs flirt with the occasional smoke. But the most interesting thing about being part of these groups are the interesting conversations that go on when everyone talks without inhibitions thanks to the presence of alcohol in their blood streams.

One of the weirdest conversations, rather incidents, that I was a part of, was on a Monday night. As usual post party, everyone was huddling when we saw one of the regular girls, mighty drunk, as she was perched herself on the lap of one of the regular guys there who was sitting alone. “If I ask you for anything tonight, you won’t say no right?” Going by the confused look on the guy’s face we could pretty much guess what was going through his mind but in a matter of few minutes we could see them drive away together, such is the power of alcohol.

On another occasion a guy was left alone when his so called date hooked up with someone else by the end of the evening and he was left puffing the cigarette butt! On a rainy night, if you are lucky you can witness the bargain for the umbrella and that last bottle of beer when even the bartenders seem to be drunk.

Observing people in my drunken state is what I love and sometimes even contribute to the utter nonsense that prevails though full of fun.

This is a fictitious story that I have written and i am unable to find an end to it…..people can you please help fill in?

Musings of a Weird Mind

As I sit and ponder about my life, I see oh what struggle astride;
If the battle so far wasn’t tough enough, hold yourself for there is a war to come;
Twenty-nine years I have walked the earth faced with troubles that varied a lot;
Just when I think to myself and feel happy about the battles won for survival, I pause to ask, what about living the life?
The choices made earlier were the ones that led to struggle, but stick I shall to them for they were what made me what I am.
Today I stand alone because of the decisions taken and sometimes even though I feel the urge to hold someone’s hand, I let it pass because of the strong independent woman I am.
I look at few men and dream ‘Oh how I wish you were mine’ only to realise they are like old wine for husbands they are of some feline.
Bite they better not for admiring their entire lot, what to do the grass is always green in your plot.

Alphabets, my way

I want to share with you how I used to interpret the alphabets when I was young and though I try to act indifferent now I pretty much relate to them the same way.

A – is the daughter of B and C who are married to each other
D – I am confused between him being C’s friend and confidante to being A’s grandfather
E – E and F are brothers with E being slightly shrewd and F being soft and sweet
G – is a good friend of F, only older and a man
H – is a good friend of G only younger and a man again
I, J, K and L – all are guys and good buddies, they are young and have never grown up since the time I have known them
M and N – both are men and are brothers with M being the elder one.
O – he is an old man
P and R – They both are sisters but are separated by Q who happens to be an evil old man. P is down to earth and friendly while R has loads of attitude.
S – she is an old aunt and is the mother of T who wants R to be her daughter in law.
U – is a good male friend of T
V – is a sexy lady and W is very protective about her and you are right W is a man
X – is Y’s best friend and he too like Y is a guy
Z – is Y’s wife

Coming soon interpretation of colours and numbers…..watch this space!

Just being me

I am really looking forward to say those three words to a special person again, though I
tell it to the people I adore almost everyday. I guess it will have a different ring to it when
I say them to the love of my life.

I have been feeling a bit lonely and lost the past few days and being a sucker for love
I really miss being held in someone’s arms. My heart clenches when I see a couple
sharing some mushy time together, especially when they are having a meal or out with
friends and the guy has his arms around his girl or the girl is just resting her head on his
shoulders. I picture myself sometimes sitting on a bench by the meadows while enjoying
the sun resting my head on my beloved shoulders or just running my fingers through his
hair when he rests his head on my lap. Aww!!!! No matter how many heart breaks I have,
I can never let the romantic in me die.

I am not sure any more at this point of time whether I have ever loved anyone with
my heart and soul. Though I have been in relationships I have never had that sense of
being complete. I can say one thing for sure that no one ever completed me, not even
my first boyfriend and we were in a relationship for three years only for me to leave him
for someone else. I often question myself if we were perfect together; if we were then
I would have probably never left him. He had loved me with all his heart, I know that
for a matter of fact but I also know that I had never given my self completely to him.
Being an Arian love is very important for me and more often than not I like the idea of
being in love, I tend to find romance even in the most odd things. Writing for example
gives me a creative freedom to express myself and I find romance in writing, like this one
in a lot of other notes of mine I have written about love and will continue doing so. I find
romance in sunshine, I identify sunshine with love and rain with heart break, loneliness
and despair, but for a lot of people rain signifies love, romance and a lot of times lust too.
I can just go on and on about this but lets deal with it in some other note.

Now I spend a lot of my conscious time thinking and wishing for someone special to
come into my life, well it doesn’t happen of course so I go on. It was two years ago since
my third relationship came to an end unceremoniously, that time I understood how it
felt being dumped. Even though I have had just three relationships so far, I have had
my heart broken a lot of times, yes blame it on the fact that I am a sucker for love. But
after being ditched the last time around, I promised that I will never ever shed a tear for a
man and after that I went through a phase when I didn’t like any man. After one and half
years I started worrying about my sexual preference, if it has suffered a shock and was
contemplating a change.

I heaved a sigh of relief when after a few days I realized that guys still appealed to
me and I was ecstatic. But this time around I wasn’t ready to get into a relationship or
anything; meanwhile my parents had already started looking out for me as I had decided
that I marry no one else. But as time passed by they were unsuccessful at finding the
perfect match for me and started pressurizing me to find someone. I tried making up my
mind that marriage will now be a compromise for me and I would never marry for love,
as love is hard to come by in today’s world. But remember the die hard romantic in me?
Well thanks to that I am still waiting for my Prince Charming who is elusive and I have
serious doubts at times whether he will ever come by.

When will my search for a soul mate end? Will it ever end? Will I ever get the chance
of having a family of my own? Will I ever find a husband? Will I ever be loved by
someone till death? Will someone ever hold my hand while we watch the sun go down?
These and more questions run through mind day in and day out, answers of which I am
yet to find out. The youth of my life is coming to an end and with the starting of a new
phase of life, will I have some holding hand to assure me that I will make it through?

Anonymous – A friend asked me to post this on condition of anonymity

Anonymous – A friend asked me to post this on condition of anonymity

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope
With anything

These lyrics of a popular song come to me all of a sudden and out of the blue! Today is a day when I should be happy. I should rejoice in what I have. I should be thankful and grateful to the Good Lord for finally fulfilling my dream after years of waiting.

What am I talking about? Well, I’m talking about what every girl’s dreams are made of! A white knight, a magical romance, a fairytale wedding and riding off into the sunset to begin a new life filled with love and laughter!

I have waited and waited, like a number of women in today’s day & age! I have stood back and watched when my friends have all found their white knights and ridden off into the sunset. I have been wistful when my fairytale is being lived out by someone else.

“Why does this happen to me? What is so wrong with me?” used to be my constant refrain. I searched & searched to no avail! Instead of my original white knight, I used to find only masqueraders! None of them worth the trouble! But still I tried; I gave them & myself a chance! Instead of riding off into the sunset, they got sucked into a black chasm & left nothing but dust behind! Dust that I cleaned up, because somewhere in my head I knew it was my fault they were brought out of whatever hole they were relegated to, by the powers that be!

After a number of disappointments, I finally gave up! I understood that my version of the white knight was nothing but a figment of my imagination! I decided to stop being foolish & chasing a dream. There was more to life than having a white knight by your side! I kept telling myself, “You are a strong, confident woman who can live life on her own, without being dependant on any man!” Deep inside there was an insistent & irritating voice which used to say, “True! But, oh! It would be so nice to have someone to hold onto during thunderstorms & the like. It would be nice to be taken care of, just for once! It would be nice to have a man by my side.”

At times I was convinced that I had a serious psychological problem! I mean, really! Who talks like that anymore?

I had friends; I had a lot of friends! Why didn’t I choose my white knight from one amongst them? Because they weren’t white knight material at all! They were the ones I could turn to for a good laugh & good company on a rainy evening! Not someone I could even imagine riding off into the sunset with!

When I had completely convinced myself that I was doomed to a life of being on my own, I started to look at the brighter side. I could spend all my money every day & nobody would question me! Why do I need to save? I’m spending on me, right? Life is good!

Just as I was getting complacent and settling in to my newly realized freedom, one of the erstwhile friends decides that its time he unburdens his soul & dumps it on my weightless shoulders! I raved, I ranted, I reasoned. He is not my white knight, I stated emphatically. He is a friend! Someone I can bully! Not someone I can feel secure with. What is he even thinking if at all? As these thoughts were being chased around in my head, another thought was introduced. “It isn’t like you have anything else happening in your life! See where this goes. Have fun with it, while you’re at it! Don’t let this opportunity go!”

Surprisingly, I decided to listen to this new voice. I ploughed ahead! Imagine my surprise and disappointment when I found out he wasn’t my white knight at all! Oh! He wasn’t dark either. He was this strange grey! Something I hadn’t encountered before. He had his virtues and his flaws. At times his flaws out did his virtues. I couldn’t help myself; I fell head over heels in love with him. You see, he had taught me a very important lesson without meaning to. He had taught me that my white knight is nothing but a figment of my imagination! White knights do not exist. They all have shades of grey in them. You know you are truly in love when you can identify all the colors – the white, black and the grey.

We were happy with each other. We used to meet every single day & do nothing constructive except have vague conversations. Crack jokes at each others’ expense. Meet up with friends. Basically, enjoy life as we knew it!

Everyone looks for the silver lining in clouds. Nobody pays much attention to the cloud itself! I’ve learnt, the hard way, to take the bad with the good.

In our case, the cloud hovering over us was parental approval. Why should this matter? Because the both of us, in spite of our “modern” outlook, are still traditionalists at the core! We labored for a bit, but in the end one set gave us their “approval”. The only thing left was to convince my family! It’s been 4 months since I started convincing my family and the process is still on, but no luck!

In the meanwhile, he did something that every girl dreams of! He went down on one knee at the same place where we had our first “date” & asked me to marry him! In case you’re wondering, the proposal came with a diamond ring!

As I sit here, putting my thoughts into writing, I watch the ring shoot fire & I wonder – is this what I always wanted? Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is going against my family to marry this guy & be with him going to be worth it?

Yes, I’ve always dreamt of my white knight. Of being swept off my feet and riding off into the sunset! But all of that is a fairytale. It’s what Hallmark is based on! That’s not reality! Reality is fighting the proverbial demons every step of the way. Reality is knowing that no matter what steps you take, you will always have someone by your side. Reality is knowing that you both will never agree on one thing. Reality is knowing that your fights are always going to end up with the two of you cuddling up with each other & joking about each other’s stupidity!